And there
was "that" day! In a weird way, I thought highly of myself…yet, what came
before me as facts crushed my mere thought of identify…my arrogance…my
ego…Instead of staying there, crushed and humbled, feeling
all the uncomfortable feelings, I rebelled against it…and more
lessons…humbling lessons came about…I guess I didn’t hit the rock bottom
good enough…
The
judgmental bit(ch of each and every woman appearing before me more loose
and cooler than I, with all the lonely nights spent just to remain
“virtuous,”…was finally reaching her point of self-discovery…In my
nakedness – physical, emotional and spiritual I found myself: an angry,
fearful, vulnerable, and lonely woman who lived an unauthentic life of
what was “expected” instead of who she was at her core…
They say
once you reach bottom, there is only one way…Up!
And indeed,
since…every moment became a new stepping stone of continuous awareness
and embodiment of whom I am meant to be…Unapologetic yet, loving to
a fault; courageous yet, outrageous to some…I have Become Me! And guess
what, I finally Love Me…and since…I can now Love You…because- at some
level- (conscious or unconscious) You are a Mirror of Me…
Have you ever been involved with
someone emotional unavailable? Ending up feeling frustrated and
drained…like a vampire sucking the life out of you…?! I raise my hand…
Experts suggest that we -more often
than not - get involved with an emotional unavailable person if/when at some
level we are unavailable as well…
It took me sometime to understand how in the world would I “punish” myself by allowing these experiences to manifest in my life.
Emotional unavailability comes in
different forms and it’s often very subtle (e.g., making vows to
yourself – such as “I would never remarry if I have a child and have to
divorce” which I recall making when I was a teenager and feeling
awfully hurt by the outburst of anger in my family …etc); however, I
will leave it at that since there is plenty of material to analyze the
spectrum and variety of this “concept”…Overall, I believe we are all
unavailable at some point…temporarily to say the
least…
Instead, I rather share a couple of personal stories…
Recently, a friend of mine told me
about being interested in someone who is the process of a divorce…She
expressed self-doubts, fear, anxiety,…and yet, each doubt –of whether or
not she should proceed - was followed by analysis of what
he might be thinking/doing (he is a nice guy, he deserves a chance,
share common interests, etc)…literally talking herself out of her
feelings…ending up justifying that it’s okay to be open to this man
because she is just as “not ready” for anything serious
as he is…the picture in my head turned to “two emotionally invalids
joined at the hip”…and the rest…well, is yet to be seen…
I learned to refrain from giving
advice…what one should or shouldn’t do…however, I believe in helping
someone in a gentle, caring way focus their attention upon how they feel
instead; empowering them to make their own decision, take pride
in their personal work;… Why? Because analyzing/evaluating a situation
without deeply connecting to your center via heart and feelings would
get us in trouble in the long run…
Our thoughts are a mere translation of
our feelings…but imagine if our true feelings are not identified,
brought to surface, honored and healed…our view of the world - via those
unfiltered thoughts - would likely be a much distorted image...and
thus, the unauthentic part of us is expressed to the world…
As another personal story: there is
the emotional available person meeting someone who “thinks” is
emotionally available…but at the first sight of real intimacy…he/she is
sabotaging any chance of its survival…and I’ve been on both sides
of the coin…
Emotional available people bust us…they
call out all the “bull sh*it”, the “fake smiles and pretenses” we try
to put out…and it sure feels awfully uncomfortable…I remember dating in
the past emotionally available men…and I just could not
handle the “stability” and “realness” of the experience…it felt way
“too safe”…and “too good to be true”…they seemed too trusting…too reliable...too available...too
loving…too nice…[sigh]
And I remember with sadness how much
thought I put into finding faults with these men, experiences…and thus,
distorting the beautiful reality in front of me…
Overall, Healing begins with Awareness…and certainly lots of courage to face and bring to light what
has been for so long hidden…
I know, I know is Thanksgiving Day...and I should feel grateful...yet, this morning, I am not feeling it...:(
My mind’s been trying to come up with a list of things
I should feel grateful for; and yet, I feel resistant…and that feels like a lump
in my throat…it feels like sweating…it feels like nausea…it feels like crying…it
feels like a big sigh…:(
I noticed every time I try to get to gratitude and force
myself to “feel” it, there is resistance; and the reason being is: I need to make
peace with grief, or goodbyes first…
Goodbyes to past friendships, lovers
Goodbyes to past hurts
Goodbyes to old thoughts
Goodbyes to the old Me…
I know grief is there to heal me!
Hmm…now, I feel movement of sensations
through me…right there beginning in my tummy…wow…I feel smiley…and that feels
like a big release…a beautiful vibration in my entire body…
What could I say with deep gratitude now?! Maybe that:
I feel alive
I feel wealthy in mind, spirit, and health
I feel giving
I feel loving with all my heart over and over again
I feel blessed for the beautiful gift of being a mother
I feel indeed grateful for the warmth and peace surrounding
me…just to name a few…
And now, I can mean when I say….Have a Happy Thanksgiving
Day!
I eagerly run and
write to you my deepest sentiments…This morning, my love, I fell in love with
you, once more…Your presence, knowingness, determination, resilience,
charms…just to name a few…filled my heart with endless gratitude and love…:)
Gosh, how often I’ve
taken you for granted…L I feel teary just writing this [sigh]…
I stop for a moment
and think of all the wonderful things you do for me, my love! From knowing my
little perks in the morning, the strength of my coffee…the warmth of my robe…the
music that soothes me…the readings that pleasure my soul…the ambiance my eyes
seek, oh my darling…you sure know it all!
And how about when I
come home, tired and a bit down…you take off my shoes, pour me a glass of
wine…and sooth me with your company…and then, oh, darling, how knowing you are
of my bathing pleasures…the amounts of oil drops, scents, and candles I long
for experiencing every day…[sigh]…
How did I never
notice you before? You’ve been with me all these years sweetheart!…You got me
to adventure the world…to experience things I could only imagine…to dare to
make things possible…you’ve been my protector, my doer; how childish and
foolish I’ve been sweetheart…You deserve my complete love, attention,
affection, and companionship! Together, we are indeed complete!”
This morning I had a
moment of complete awakening …it was a moment of complete realization… of
noticing my masculine…my Inner Boy…
I was overflowed with
love for Self…observing my Inner Boy doing so many things for my Inner Girl.
I often hear men and
women expressing wants and needs from their partner in form of complaining,
criticism…and yet, forgetting that all is a projection of a lack within,
something we are not giving ourselves in the first place…and I agree, it is not
easy noticing our patterns at all times…
I sure have my days when my inner boy does feel tired of
caring for my girl…cause she is indeed often needy :(.... Yet, only when I began to give love and
appreciation to my boy within, honor my masculine, I was then able to receive
with deep gratitude anything the Universe sent me via a friend, an experience,
a lover …
From a place of
wholeness I can now allow God to mirror back to me my Beloved…and with that
Knowing…I proceed to Experience…
I’ve lived on the West Coast of the
United States for over seventeen years and only dated for the past six…Earlier
this year, I listened to a male coach describing men on the West Coast as the
most “feminine” and “lazy” in dating…Yep…I had a big smile on my face…For a short
moment I felt validated for my frustration and yet, I felt sad and discouraged
from ever finding a man with masculine traits in this part of the world…:(
Once in a while I run
across someone that would express the preference of “going Dutch” on a “date”,
or don’t offer to buy anything…and very rarely one would flat out ask you to
buy them a drink…
In the past, I admit
being open to this kind of exchange…yet, only few men understood my hidden
agenda …and I call these men, truly manly men…and very attractive in my book …One in
particular told me…”I am offended when you ask if I have enough money and want
to pitch in…why do you do that? So you can find an excuse to ditch me at your
liking?” I felt shocked at his insight!
He was right…by doing
my fair share of paying for myself and/or my date …allowed me to keep control
…I know some of you would read this and say…”huh?...what’s wrong with
that?” Well, it’s all good if you are only interested in sex and
nothing serious…but, it never allowed me (feeling wise) to create the real
heart to heart connection with a man…
Specifically, every
time I would do “take care of me” and or him, I would feel sooo turned off and
disconnected from the man in front of me that any chance for romance died instantly…And
if you don’t believe me, I suggest to look at your past relationships and
current relationships…if the woman you are with is constantly “unhappy” and
“nagging” and she pays her fare share, over-functioning in the
relationship (makes the dates, makes the suggestions, tells you where, how, and
why, becomes controlling), I can tell you with certainty there is resentment
building up…and respect towards her man diminishes every day…and in turn, you
begin to feel the same way towards her…
Don’t take me wrong, I
believe in being generous…and those who know me, I am very generous (I love
cooking, creating a romantic setting, buying gifts, and yes, sometimes take my
man out to dinner if he is my man…but not to “get him” to become my man)…but I
also believe in generosity from the heart…there is no expectation attached to
it…When a man does something expecting next time I would do something for him,
that feels awful and icky :( and without saying it…it translates through his energy…(for a better
description, think of the word “asshole”)
So recently, someone
apparently thought it would be “assertive” and “cute” to say he would like me
to buy him a drink (okay, that’s me in “His business” assuming what he was
thinking :) );…
With a shock on my
face and a forced smile, and after a good smack upside the head (just kidding
..lol)…I said “Oh…you wanna be my bitch tonite?” Yep, I did say that…:(
And guess what, I am
not proud about it…I used joking and sarcasm to cover up my underlying feelings
such as “uncomfortable, turned off…and yes, feeling darn angry…”
A while back, I made a
promise to myself to be true to my feelings and honor them at all times…healing
old patterns takes time…baby steps in that direction…sigh …:(
I truly believe the
woman holds the heart in the relationship...An unhappy heart makes it for an
unhappy relationship…and if you don’t believe me…I can only encourage you to
begin to notice…and this makes it for a good start to allowing real joy in your
love life…
I had a few minutes to window shop…So, I walked in Macy…This dark, exquisite and exotic handsome …catches my eye.
I
stopped…and got closer…He had to see me…As I walked by, he touched my
wrist…I looked around as if nothing happened…yet…his scent…oh…my God…it
was making me feel weird…No, this can't be happening…I must move on…
How
many times in the past have I got excited about someone and then got
disappointed…I told myself: don't show him that he had an effect on
you…go on…keep busy…flirt with everyone…if he is the one…he will still
be there…So, I keep on moving…flirting with everyone around…the more the
better right?! Now, I have to leave…should I tell him or should I
not…?! He is definitely turning me on. I kept moving…got in my car…drove
around…. So weird…his scent was still with me and it was driving me
crazy…Should I or shouldn't I?
OK…I surrender…I turn around, walk
right up to him…and determined I say…"You are the ONE! I have been
waiting for you all my life! I admit…you were not in my budget…but, I
have to have YOU, my dark, exquisite and exotic handsome Armani "Code"!"
Have you ever been made
“wrong” for not responding in a timely and proper manner by someone?There was some sort of punishment/repercussion(s)?
I lately have had
this issue coming up…with men…were there was some sort of expectation to
respond pronto and in a certain way…and when I did not…then…you guess what…
I have worked very
hard on not judging people for their choices…I recognize, I am not perfect…nor
do I ever expect or want to be…yet, to understand this situation, I placed
myself in their shoes…and yes, sometimes it sucks…but it all begins to setting
expectations…
To deal with this
issue I had in the past of having expectations and feeling awfully disappointed
and not allowing myself to leave in the moment, I now ask myself each and every
time (seriously): Do I have expectations from asking,
calling, doing something for someone…etc?
Let’s say: I call
someone I am interested in…It is ”Normal”, by current society standards, to
expect to get a call back…a response of some sort…right?! And I am not talking about “business” here…
How do I know there
is an expectation? If you are
patient with yourself and ask yourself the question before proceeding…feelings
would come up…such as fear…anxiety…
So ask yourself, what
if he/she does not answer? How would I feel?If the answers feel awful, then I encourage you not to do it…but rather
attend to your feelings…bring your masculine side and take care of you…
It is not the end of
the world…Perfect takes practice…So, just do it! Forgive yourself and practice
noticing…Lets say hours pass by…days pass by and no response from this
person…we feel awful…disappointment…maybe even anger…due to feeling rejected
possibly and having “expectations”?
Well, it does not
matter what the reason(s) is…what matter is the feeling(s) we experience
after…and if it were only for the feelings…we would actually be okay…because
feelings once “felt” deeply they move through our body and change…from crying
to happy etc…
However, our thoughts
become our enemy because now, we are “imagining” and “translating” into our
mind all kinds of scenarios of betrayal, disrespect, of what he/she was
doing/thinking…we are getting into their business…etc…
Learning and
accepting someone’s right to BE and Do whatever they want to…and that meaning
treating me as bad as they want to…also Frees me to Honor myself and say No to
what does not feel good to me…Which means I have the right not to participate…I
have the right to walk away…I have the right to say No…How powerful and
empowering is that?
Have you ever experienced the uncomfortable, awkward feelings such as feeling “exposed” and vulnerable after sharing private information to someone? And experiencing even more awful feelings when all of the sudden the dynamic of the relationship changes? When all of the sudden he/she no longer calls, says sweet things to you, no longer is available, makes excuses, etc? Sigh…:( You can’t help but think it has to do with the piece of information you shared…
I recall, in the past, asking a lot of questions when I would first meet someone I was interested in romantically...I know, I know the common norm in our society is to do so… and ironically, all the due diligence and “caution” I practiced did not (not even for one minute) sparred me from tremendous heartache…
With sadness in my heart, I now admit, I thought I was protecting myself by asking all these questions. Yet, secretly I was building up ammunition against this person…and at the first strike, I would bombard them with what I’ve build up against them: judgments, anger, bitterness…
Asking questions is an offensive tactic… Marianne Williamson once said.” in our defensiveness our safety lies”…It took my quite some time to understand this …The INTENT behind the question is the key…If the intent is to “protect” self…then it means we are in “offensive”, “preventive measures”…it could also mean I somehow believe words (what someone says) are more powerful than actions…that in my arrogance I could prevent anything bad from happening to me…
Once in a while, I admit, I find myself saying: I wish I knew Then what I know Now…
Each time I was building a “case” on someone by asking them numerous “tricky” questions about themselves and their history without an intent of pure curiosity but rather fear, suspicion, judgment…my entire being and energy was on them…All of the sudden, I became invested in this person without them doing anything to prove themselves…My own discovery schemes got me all wrapped up in my detective work and this person…that even when I would discover something sure worth knowing, my mind would discredit the information…”Oh, give the person the reasonable doubt, maybe they didn’t mean it, we all make mistakes, and so on…”
In doing all this “detective” work nicely polished with “good intentions” , my ego was in charge…when the ego is in charge of our lives, there is no surrender…there is no present..there are no moments…As a result, we ignore God’s given gift of inner knowing…identifying danger through inner feelings…
When stillness is present, the mind is quiet, we can hear and feel the unsettling feeling of what is not good for us…Honoring these body sensations and feelings will speak our Truth…there is no blame nor judgment, there is no need to ask anything…just be present through active listening, and feel your heart and body sensations…when things don’t feel good for us, we walk away with peace and gratitude …again we feel empowered by the experience instead of feeling drained…
Until the person in front me can hold his/her own space of Truth …he/she can’t handle my Truth..and thus, I honor Self by saying “It’s None of your Business…”
Commitment in a Relationship – People are ready when they are ready…not a minute late…not a minute short…
Practicing being open and vulnerable while dating often hurts like heck…We close our hearts to “stop” the pain…but with that we do not allow healing to take place…but rather, we store our “demons” in the attic of our subconscious…get involved in new relationships…and once again recreate the same scenario of disappointments…
The past year, I’ve been constantly practicing keeping my heart open. Boy it hasn’t been easy…People we meet - could have a message for us…or we could be messengers to them… I have experienced both…on one hand, the experience with a man, reassures me how ready I am …how emotionally available and present I’ve become…how I amazingly have faced and overcome so many of my self-demons (or shadows…)…how loving and forgiving I am, and so on…it’s like a Wow moment of awareness;… …and on the other hand, I could be the message (if chosen to be seen as one)…that yes, complete loving, caring, feminine, strong women, do exist…
And yet (sigh), I also learned it is not sufficient for a woman to have healed her heart, to have acquired the growth and awareness within…because there is also a need for total willingness and commitment on your partner to walk the path along with you…We can inspire someone …but we can’t make someone…do anything…(okay, maybe some spanking would do it…lol…just kidding…had to add a bit of my sense of humor lol).
I often notice doubts and fears in the person next to me coming in the form of blaming; suspicion; playing the “game” card, passive aggression behavior…but what I choose to see is a cry for help…a cry that says “don’t leave me even though I know I act like an idiot, and by the way please don’t remind me of it”[sigh]
I feel like cringing at these experiences; I often feel pain and disappointments, and yet I allow my heart to express compassion…why? Because I’ve been this person…I’ve faced my demons…and walked the surrendering path…Getting to the place of self-compassion allowed me to connect and feel compassion towards them…and finally, understand and believe in the meaning of “innocence” in our brothers and sisters…
That being said, these men chose not to stick around. While in the past, I would take it personally, feeling angry, rejected and bitter…now, I know they are yet not ready for an experience with me and likely, I am not the “One"… I feel deep sadness and a bit a sense of loss…but with each door closed, I believe…another door…the right door for me, opens…and that Door is sure Worth Waiting for…
I was recently asked whether I know what I want…Earlier this year, I created a list with qualities I desire in a man...and about the same time, I also worked on creating a list of qualities for the relationship I want along with a list of qualities I want to possess for myself…
I recall feeling extremely challenged creating the list. I stumbled…Everything that came to mind, at first, was what “I don’t want”…I really struggled getting to what “I do want…” I felt awfully uncomfortable with the question…I felt fear, judgments…and behind them…a sense of feeling unworthy and guilty asking for what “I do want”…My inner voices were screaming “How dare u? Who do you think you are?” “People like You don’t deserve it…” “What are you giving to deserve getting?” Arghhhhh….Sigh…
But I pushed through these negative voices (aka NVs) and I challenged myself a bit further;…and to each quality listed about my partner, I asked myself: do I possess this quality? And boy, there were a few I stumbled upon…one was “trust”…because it goes something like this: You want trust…You must be trusting…; You want love…you must be loving…; and so on…
But how do we get to be trusting, when everywhere and everything reminds us of betrayals and a hurtful past? These triggers only fuel the pain inside…and yet, I always knew there is hope…
Trust comes from within…Learning to trust Self begins when feelings are honored by first being recognized for what they are; for being brought to surface; there are no pretenses (oh, I don’t care, I am okay…blah, blah, blah; it’s not my problem; what a jerk, etc…); feelings must be self-owned (“I am responsible for my feelings” gives a sense of self-empowerment); only from this place of authenticity, healthy boundaries can be expressed and enforced…
We know healthy boundaries are present when we feel gentle and caring during and after we express them…There is no blame, no guilt, no fear…There is Peace Within…
When we focus on what we don’t want…the Universe hears only our limitations…what we are saying is ”I don’t want my past”…as a result, we deprive ourselves from living in the present…nor believe in a future…because we are too focused on not “recreating” the past…
I was recently asked if I would pose in lingerie…pics, possibly fashion shows…I feel blushy just imagining it, while I admit, feeling awfully flattered for being asked…I lingered over my hesitation by first facing my own self judgments…On one hand, yes, I am not feeling that confident about my physical body at this moment and then, even imaging being as “perfect” as I would like to be, I would still say “no”…and why? …Hmm…I pondered over the answer. I can talk and listen to you very openly about many “intimate” sexual matters…yet, I ultimately view intimacy at a sexual and emotional level as a private encounter…known only to me and my partner…
I often find myself smiling and admiring women exhibiting confidence in their display of physical beauty and with sexual connotations…And, I often wondered why am I not like them? Apparently, I have it in me since I appreciate it in them…
Just because someone exudes confidence on the outside it does not mean they exude confidence within…In these present times, the higher the desire for public attention through sexual exhibition the lower confidence of inner self …Knowing this, gave me comfort because I feel very confident and poised in an intimate encounter…yet, I feel awfully insecure outside of the "bedroom"…Sigh :(
Behind the feeling of insecurity is often fear (and not fear of self or other's judgment…but rather an icky, uncomfortable feeling)… Just writing this, this icky and uncomfortable feeling translates into rapid heartbeat…pressure in my chest…slow breathing...I take deep breaths expanding and contracting into my tummy…opening my pelvis…allowing complete connection to Self to feel safe once again.
And here in this moment, I connect with my own truth...at this present time...:)
Knowing Self- frees me of unnecessary wonder…it is not Me, it’s not my calling…Sexuality in any form of expression is a private and sacred experience to me…The world that I believe in and I want to be a part of creating…is a world where man and woman would be filled with sooo much self-love …that there will be noooo need to desire outside stimulation and/or fantasy to have the most amazing, infinite love possible (sexual and emotional) between two human beings…and this, I Believe is Possible…
And yet, today...I reserve my right to change my beautiful creative mind...and allow a less self-limiting possibility...and who knows...it is possible to have it all...a public display of a confident sexual Diva - expressing sexual desires...and the ultimate mind-blowing infinite love possible with one Man... Not sure about you, but I feel greedy this moment...and I want it All! Cheers to the infinite possibilities!
When we are born, we were programmed perfectly. We had a natural tendency to focus on love. Our imaginations were creative and flourishing, and we knew how to use them. We were connected to a world much richer than the one we connect to now, a world full of enchantment and a sense of the miraculous.
So what happened? Why is it that we reached a certain age, looked around, and the enchantment was gone?
Because we were taught to focus elsewhere, we were taught to think unnaturally. We were taught a very bad philosophy, a way of looking at the world that contradicts who we are.
We were taught to think thoughts like competition, struggle, sickness, finite resources, limitation, guilt, bad, death, scarcity, and loss. We began to think these things, and so we began to know them. We were taught that things like grades, being good enough, money, and doing things the right way, are more important than love. We were taught that we’re separate from other people, that we have to compete to get ahead, that we’re not quite good enough the way we are. We were taught to see the world the way that others had come to see it. It’s as though, as soon as we got here, we were given a sleeping pill. The thinking of the world, which not based on love, began pounding in our ears the moment we hit shore.
Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the relinquishment – or unlearning – of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.
……………………..
Love isn’t seen with the physical eyes or heard with physical ears. The physical senses can’t perceive it; it’s perceived through another kind of vision. Meta-physicians call I the Third Eye, esoteric Christians call it the vision of the Holy Spirit, and others call it the Higher Self. Regardless of what it’s called, love requires a different kind of knowing or thinking. Love is the intuitive knowledge of our hearts. It’s a “world beyond” that we all secretly long for. An ancient memory of this love haunts all of us all the time, and beckons us to return.
Love isn’t material. It’s energy. It’s the feeling in a room, a situation, a person. Money can’t buy it. Sex doesn’t guarantee it. It has nothing at all to do with the physical world, but it can be expressed nonetheless. We experience it as kindness, giving, mercy, compassion, peace, joy, acceptance, non-judgment, joining, and intimacy.
Fear is our shared lovelessnes, our individual and collective hells. It’s a world that seems to press on us from within and without, giving constant false testimony to the meaninglessness of love. When fear is expressed, we recognize it as anger, abuse, disease, pain, greed, addiction, selfishness, obsession, corruption, violence, and war…
Love is within us. It cannot be destroyed, but can only be hidden. The world we knew as children is still buried within our minds. I once read a delightful book called The Mists of Avalon. The mists of Avalon are a mythical allusion to the tales of King Arthur. Avalon is a magical island that is hidden behind huge impenetrable mists. Unless the mists part, there is no way to navigate your way to the island. But unless you believe the island is there, the mists won’t part.
Avalon symbolizes a world beyond the world we see with our physical eyes. It represents a miraculous sense of things, the enchanted realm that we knew as children. Our childlike self is the deepest level of our being. It is who we really are and what is real doesn’t go away. The truth doesn’t stop being the truth just because we’re not looking at it. Love merely becomes clouded over, or surrounded by mental mists.
Avalon is the world we knew when we were still connected to our softness, our innocence, our spirit. It’s actually the same world we see now, but informed by love, interpreted gently, with hope and faith and a sense of wonder. It’s easily retrieved, because perception is a choice. The mists part when we believe that Avalon is behind them.
And that’s what a miracle is: a parting of the mists, a shift in perception, a return to love...."
Excerpt from A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
A Course in Miracles tells us that whenever we are contemplating attacking someone, it is as though we are holding a sword above their head. The sword, however, doesn’t fall on them but on us. Since all thought is thought about ourselves, then to condemn another is to condemn ourselves.
How do we escape judgment? Largely through a reinterpretation of what we’re judging. A Course in Miracles describes the difference between a sin and an error. ‘A sin would mean we did something so bad that God is angry at us.’ But since we can’t do anything that changes our essential nature, God has nothing to be angry at.
Only love is real. Nothing else exists. ‘The Son of God cannot sin. We can make mistakes,’ to be sure, and we obviously do. But God’s attitude toward error is a desire to heal us. Because we ourselves are angry and punishing, we have concocted the idea of an angry, punishing God. We are created in God’s image, however, and not the other way around.
As extensions of God, we are ourselves the spirit of compassion, and in our right minds, we don’t seek to judge but to heal. We do this through forgiveness. When someone has behaved unlovingly- when they yell at us, or lie about us, or steal from us-they have lost touch with their essence. They have forgotten who they are. But everything that someone does, says the Course, is either ‘love or a call for love.’ If someone treats us with love then of course love is the appropriate response. If they treat us with fear, we are to see their behavior as a call for love.
The American prison system illustrates the philosophical and practical difference between the choice to perceive sin or to perceive error. We see criminals as guilty and seek to punish them. But whatever we do to others, we are doing to ourselves.
Statistics painfully prove that our prisons are schools for crime; a vast number of crimes are committed by people who have already spent time in prison. In punishing others, we end up punishing ourselves. Does that mean we’re to forgive a rapist, tell him we know he just had a bad day and send him home? Of course not. We’re to ask for a miracle.
A miracle here would be a shift from perceiving prisons as houses of punishment to perceiving them as houses of rehabilitation. When we consciously change their purpose from fear to love, we release infinite possibilities of healing.
Forgiveness is like the martial arts of consciousness. In Aikido and other martial arts, we sidestep our attacker’s force rather than resisting it. The energy of the attack then boomerangs back in the direction. Forgiveness works in the same way. When we attack back, and defense is a form of attack, we initiate a war that no one can win. Since lovelessness is not real, we’re not at the effect of it in ourselves or others. The problem, of course, is that we think we are. In seeking a miracle, we don’t take part in life’s battles, but rather we are asking to be lifted above them. The Holy Spirit reminds us that the battle is not real.
“Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord,” means “Relinquish the idea of vengeance.” God balances all wrong, but not through attack, judgment or punishment. Contrary to how it feels when we’re lost in the emotions that tempt us to judge, there’s no such thing as righteous anger. When I was a little girl, I would fight with my brother and sister, and when my mother came home she would be annoyed at us for arguing. One of us would always say, ‘They did it first.” It actually doesn’t matter who “did it first.”
Whether you’re attacking first or attacking back, you’re an instrument of attack and not of love.
Several years ago I was at a cocktail party where I got into a very heated debate about American foreign policy. Later that night, I had a kind of waking dream. A gentleman appeared to me and said, “Excuse me, Miss Williamson, but we thought we should tell you: In the cosmic roll call, you are considered a hawk, not a dove.”
I was incensed. “No way, “I said indignantly. “I’m totally for peace. I’m a dove all the way.”
“I’m afraid not,” he said. “I’m looking on our charts, and it says very clearly right here: Marianne Williamson, warmonger. You’re at war with Ronald Reagan, Caspar Weinberger, the CIA, in fact the entire American defense establishment. No, I’m sorry. You’re definitely a hawk.”
I saw, of course, that he was right. I had just as many missiles in my head as Ronald Reagan had in his. I thought it was wrong for him to judge communists, but I thought it was okay for me to judge him. Why? Because I was right, of course!
I spent years as an angry left-winger before I realized that an angry generation can’t bring peace…Everything we do is infused with the energy with which we do it. As Gandhi said, “We must be the change.” What the ego doesn’t want us to see is that the guns we need to get rid of first are the guns in our own head…”
excerpt from A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
When someone says or does something that doesn’t feel good to me, I often experience feelings such as sadness, disappointment, turned off, and maybe even anger…but what I also discovered recently, in certain instances, there is also Fear…
Fear that somehow something about me triggered the other person…and promoted the abusive language and/or behavior. Why the self-blame and why taking responsibility for someone’s bad behavior?
Now I know…there is a breach in my Emotional Boundaries, that’s why…The fear comes up where there is at least one history of “bad” behavior that I “ignored” and/or “pretended” it did not exist or I minimized it, even though it felt bad (with this person or even someone else)…So, my subconscious is “inviting” this person through my energy to capitalize on my vulnerable points – of guilt and/or shame…
This is how toxic relationships begin…when we give up our boundaries to accommodate someone else’s..and disregard our primal instincts which often come up as feeling icky…uncomfortable…anxious…pressured…
How can we stop recreating and attracting such experience(s)? Healing our subconscious…by giving attention, acceptance, and love to the original act that initiated the feeling(s)…And of course, next time, Stop…Feel… Express…and then, Act.
