'Knowing' ...the Beautiful without a Doubt...

I grew up as the oldest of four daughters with quite a big age difference between my siblings and myself – six and twelve years respectively.

When my first sister was born I was six years old.  I recall everyone in our family, friends and acquaintances (men and women) complimenting my beautiful little sister since birth and throughout her youth…Boys were courting her like crazy when she was only twelve fighting for her attention with flowers, gifts, letters, dates…

My experience was quite different. The core descriptions included from ‘different’, ‘weird’, ‘geeky’, 'freckled',  to 'hardworking', 'always behaving good daughter, 'some talent in music', and a great 'babysitter' :)

Fun – to me meant making sure everyone had fun and was taken care of…and I developed this skill at a very young age :) Something like now, but at least now I am a participant :)

My beautiful sister married a wonderful good looking, great husband and father – worshiping her for over 14 years…while raising four amazing children.

I on the other hand prefer not to recall my 10 years marriage experience and two relationships I had since my divorce…

'What is my problem,' I often asked myself when feeling unheard, ungot, unsuccessful in creating true happiness in any of my relationships?

I intuitively knew what it was for a long time…but I intellectualized it and thus never got to embody the truth (as in feel it and release it)…till recently.

Not long ago, I had an interesting conversation with mom…who after being a widow for eight years, two years ago surprised us all meeting a wonderful man she feels happy with (a feeling I never saw in her until the past years) and marrying him last year.

And so, in admiration of my mom and sister’s well happy relationships …again the question of ‘what’s wrong with me’ popped up…

I shared with my mother my feelings of appreciation and inspiration of the two of them…and told her I believe my sister’s success in relationships was the result of her inner knowing of being beautiful early on as a child and as a young girl... 

Mom agreed …and so I asked her,

“Mom, do you think I am beautiful?”

“Well, yes…we are all beautiful in different ways…” my mom went on ‘defining’ and ‘analyzing’ beauty…

I stopped her and asked her again,

“Mom, do you think I am beautiful?”

“Yes, you are beautiful *enough*” she said cautiously and hesitantly :)

My heart dropped …tears began to flow instantly…deep sadness…

I felt my sadness…I bravely sat with it…I felt thankful she couldn’t see my tears…I didn’t want to be made ‘wrong’ for feeling this way…

I stood there…and a thought ‘popped up’…

I listened to it…and it said

“We criticize in another…parts of self we reject…and judge”

I smiled at my own realization…and asked her

“Mom, do you feel beautiful?”

“Well yes, I am beautiful enough…”

I smiled again…I was getting closer to the truth…and asked again

“Do you see my beauty closer to yours or to my sister’s?”

“Closer to mine…”

There it was…!

In that moment, my heart felt true compassion…for all those years I longed to simply feel ‘beautiful’ without *buts*, *ifs*, and *enoughs*…; I now knew why was I not ‘beautiful’…but only ‘beautiful enough’…My own mother projected her self worth upon me…

This was the moment of true forgiveness …for the innocence of my inner child who had this experience and believed it as true and for my parents who projected their own insecurities upon me without true wisdom and self-love (my father was not very much part of my life after age 5 …and every reunion I had with him, my looks were severely criticized).

From my experience, it is my true belief the success of woman in a romantic relationship is her *KNOWING* without a doubt she is simply *Beautiful*…and that feeling needs nurturing and love from the moment she is born.

On the other hand, a man needs to *know* without a doubt he is simply *smart*, *intelligent*, *capable*…and that process begins from the moment he is born.

Is this all it takes to heal that memory and ‘know’ at my core I am beautiful?

No…not by far…it is a process indeed…

Awareness of it is just the beginning…

But I do know with certainty…that for as long as I continue to ‘accept’ as in ‘believe’ the ‘ifs’, ‘buts’ ‘enough’…I will continue to settle for crumbs…Crumbs like men who would call you ‘sexy’ instead of ‘beautiful’; ‘hang out’ instead of taking you out; short-term flings; etc… 

How do I feel about it? Angry…Hell angry…Arghh…

Giving myself permission to feel angry, hell angry…feels powerful…opening…expanding…

Aww…and that feels goooood…:)

Enlightenment or Not?

We’ve been programmed to believe ‘enlightment’ is a state needed to be achieved…How would it feel for a moment to be open to the idea ‘there is no such a thing’…?! What if as spiritual beings having a human experience, we are to have many enlightening moments …along with many ‘stupid’ moments… during our life time :) Again, just imagine it for a moment…How would it feel? Would you feel possibly more relaxed, accepting, open, smiley ...?

Enlightenment is also tied to ‘beautiful’ thoughts and actions…

But what if – we missed the boat again?

And accept - for a moment - that one could have the most enlightening moment while experiencing a good old fashion dump in the morning; appreciating the heck out of the amazement and delightful ecstatic feelings that comes with it…

How 'deep' is that? :)

So next time going to the bathroom, lets be open to the idea that it might just be the 'enlightening' experience we need to appreciate...for the day! and it could just be as simple as that ... <3 :)

~Witness of Love...~Martorul de Iubire~

~Witness of Love~

Reaching out to him in kindness created fear and self-judgment upon reading his response.  Although his response was filled with appreciation and warmth, I immediately went into judgment :(

I felt super anxious, felt sadness, felt fear…thoughts like ‘I contacted him first; I will get heartbroken again…I get myself invested too soon…’ kept crawling in my brain…sigh :(

I reflect upon the saying ‘What you focus on …expands’...Meaning in this situation, my fears of ‘getting hurt and invested too soon’…will prove true since according to the Law of Attraction, we ‘attract' what we 'feel' and 'think' as true.

Bringing these thoughts to surface via awareness and knowing that I have the power within to change my reality is a first step; by changing my thought to one that feels better and it sure serves me better, I create something like, 

‘The kindness, warmth, appreciation, and love I share with this man are actually gifts to myself; he is my witness…through whom I experience love!’…wow…What a big difference!!! From a receiver...I've become the Source of love that I seek... Empowering, isn’t? 

Let’s reflect over ‘The more we get closer to what we want, the more feelings of unworthiness will come up…’ When we are unaware, we *react* with thoughts and feelings from our subconscious instead of conscienticizing through awareness; and thus, becoming true witnesses and holders of truth.~  

~Martorul de Iubire~

Observ cum i-am analizat si judecat raspunsul…:( Desi frumos ceva m-am intristat brusc…Simt teama.  Este reala?  In acest moment ma intreb…este acest sentiment o avertizare din esenta mea divina? Ori teama din memoria dureroasa unei experiente trecute?   

Observ o judecata personala… ‘L-am contactat eu…o sa il indepartez cu mesajele mele…ma implic prea curind…o sa imi ranesc inima din nou…’ 

Contemplez zicala: ‘La ce ne concentram mai mult, se mareste…’  Daca ma concentraz spre ‘teama de a pierde’, ‘teama de a fi ranita’…voi ajunge sa fiu ranita…intrucit eu imi creez realitatea.

Aducind aceasta realizare la suprafata, deci o constientizez si intreb cit de adevart acest gind este, (in cazul aceata, teama de a pierde si de a fi ranita) am puterea de a crea o noua realitate prin creerea unei noi ‘intentii’ positive si care imediat ma face sa ma simt mai bine…

Ce gind ma face sa ma simt bine? Probabil ceva de felul: “Il contactez cu mesaje din inima…fara atasare de raspuns’…’Mesajele de bunatate, caldura, apreciere si iubire catre el sint de fapt mesaje pentru mine…care imi dau caldura si atentie personala…el este doar martorul meu de iubire…’

Wow…Ce schimbare - de a fii 'dependenta' de a primii iubire, am devenit Sursa de Iubire...:) Hmm…ma simt imputernicita; cu autoritate deplina asupra experientei mele! 

Sa reflectam asupra :“cu cit ne apropiem de ceea ce dorim, cu atit mai mult sentimentele de nemerit (intiparite in subconstient) apar…’ cind nu sintem constienti de presenta lor, reactionam  in loc de a raspunde cu intelepcioune prin constientizarea experientei…numai in felul acesta devenim martori adevarati si detinatori ai adevarului...

Holiday Giving

Many of you may relate to a common theme around ‘giving’…such as giving out of ‘obligation’.

When we give out of ‘obligation’ the common feelings associated with it are ‘resentment,’ ‘pity,’ ‘anger,’ ‘fear’ (as in ‘if I don’t give a present, this could happen…’)

These feelings carry – as you could imagine- negative energy that would boomerang back at us in some form or another, bringing more of the same negative experiences.  Would you want a ‘gift’ from someone who carries such energy? If no, then, how do we deal with these feelings?

First, notice these thoughts and feelings; by noticing them, we are bringing them to surface (remember, the truth shall set us free).

Long deep breaths are essential.

Second, make a conscious decision to feel better; it is like changing the channel; something like “Hmm…yep, I hear you, it sucks to feel these negative emotions, but I want to feel better.  Despite of feeling this way, I love and accept myself anyway…and I *now* intend to feel better”…

*Nobody said it’s going to be easy.  Often we experience a resistance during this process;…if that happens notice this resistance to ‘change’ the channel…and actually NOTICE ‘choosing’ to stay ‘mad’…don’t judge it…just set with it for a bit…

Third, once you feel ready to ‘change’ the channel, bring ‘appreciation’ as your tool.  I find appreciation essential into clearing a difficult emotion.  Be open –even if for a moment – to appreciate that this person/situation that triggers you so much, might very well be your ‘best’ teacher…

I say to myself “Although, I don’t see it now, I am open to feel the appreciation of whatever this person/situation is trying to teach me about myself…”

With that thought in mind, your ‘gift’ has cleared the negative energy …and it has become probably the most important ‘gift’ to yourself…:)  Merry Christmas!!!!

God cannot give *to* you what He can give *through* you…

Here we were once again in the recovery room after surgery…James was awake…and although he was on heavy pain meds…his pain was still at a 7…Seeing him in this moment, it felt like déjà vu once again…my heart cringed for a moment…a twelve years old memory rushed in…the surgery that triggered all our nightmares…one mistake…one doctor…one hospital…my son…

Although there were two other surgeries prior to “the” one…and several more after…after that surgery, there was an intrinsic unsettling awful feeling…like nausea…his skin looked pale…pain was continuously present…and overall, there was not a ‘peaceful’ feeling in my heart… 

Here again, those same feelings were triggered…

Aware of the power of our thoughts and of unhealed memories which can ‘recreate’ the past in the present, this time, instead of ‘fighting’ and ‘avoiding’ the feelings from this memory (which please believe me I never shared it with anyone including my counselor…)…this time I said…”yes, thank you, I’ve been waiting for you…it’s time we heal this memory once and for all”  In that moment of realization, while holding his hand, I bend over him slightly...while feeling the anger and pain…immersing myself in it…allowing tears to fall…and asking for another miracle…a shift in perception…

We’ve been in critical situations before…but this time things were different…My son is now twelve…The last surgery he had was when he was four…What was different?

It took the docs two days to figure out what the problem was…and during this time the pain could not be managed without morphine every hour…and even then, the pain would remain at a minimum 5…Seeing my child vomiting his own stool…with uncontrollable pain…I felt powerless…I felt somehow ‘unprepared’…Even after surgery, it took another two/three days to have a handle on the pain…and once in a while vomiting…and nonetheless, James’s anger took my off guard…In one moment, he would say “mom…I love you…” and a few minutes later…be soo angry and frustrated with all the suggestions from the nurse and myself…

It might sound cynical to some…but I found the situation kinda comical at times…so, I would find myself smiling and laughing while imagining sitting in the couch with my son sharing our ‘funny’ stories while ‘mimicking’ each other…

Those moments in between ‘pain’ after his surgery, I shared with my son feeling powerless to help him…that when he was younger somehow I could make him feel ‘better’ quicker…I felt like a ‘supermom’…James’s answer startled me…”I know mom…I now have a ‘personality’…” I smiled and said…”yes, sweetie…that’s right…it’s your ego evolving…”

And that was the moment when all ‘click’ to me…

We often *wonder* about the resilience of our children…Their recovery is quick…and spirits are awakened faster…They don’t conscientize pain and fear…The less ‘thoughts’ and questions about ‘how and why’, the quicker the recovery…

When our children are young (less than five, I say), they fully trust us with their pain and fear…The better we manage our energy and thoughts the faster the healing for our child…

I find it very important not to surround myself with any doubtful, negative people during these times…(I intend to expand on this in a book …personal stories…), which is why I always dealt with my son’s situations on my own…rarely visitations…usually, only James’ friends…

Now, I realized the reason for my ‘powerless’ feeling…This time, I could do *NOTHING* for my child…WITHOUT HIS *WILLING PERMISSION*…

So, coming to this realization…in between pain moments…I said “James, fold your hand in a fist…how does it feel?” He said “It feels tight…”…I said…”okay, do you notice any pressure?” He answered “Yes…kinda”; I said “okay, now release your fist…how does it feel?”  “Better…”…”Good, now imagine me trying to open your fist…do you feel your own resistance? Is the pressure greater?” “Yes, I see that...”

I said “okay, well that is how it is with what you are going through…I feel your resistance…and in these moments, I feel powerless to help you…I want you next time the pain increases…just NOTICE your resistance to let go of the pain…Notice your clinching…any part of your body (teeth, abdomen, throat, calves)….and slowly slowly…allow yourself to ‘flow’ – like with the current of a river…’flow’ with the pain…and yes, that means you may feel like crying, screaming...but, that’s what you need to release it…”

I felt compelled to have this conversation with him because I noticed he was taking ‘pride’ about ‘fighting’ pain without tears…yet, the moaning…cringing of his body…the anger…all these told me he was ‘resisting’ his own body…which did not allow the release of pain and thus faster ‘healing’…

From this moment, I felt again connected with my child…we were working together…

Before being released from the hospital, one of the doctors said while shaking my hand…”It is so good to see how well you two work together…” after challenging a team of doctors in adding a pick line in his artery to give him ‘nutrition’ when my instinct was telling me his body was in ‘stress’ caused by constant ‘bugging’ and interruption and tremendous amounts of antibiotics, pain medications, etc…he has been administered for over a week…and then, asking to stop any IV ‘sh*t’ of *fabricated* enzymes …Once they stopped it all…my son began to eat…walk…pain less and less…

By the way, I believe that all these meds can have a good purpose…but often knowing when to ‘stop’ them is the ‘key’…From dealing with so many doctors and hospitals over the years, my observation is, most doctors/staff use a ‘clinical’ approach to solve problems…which more often than not prolongs a person sickening condition…That is why is important we, parents, know when to speak up our inner intuition…and of course, know when is intuition and when is ‘self-projection…’

Although this past two weeks might have seemed like a setback for us…to me…to both of us, it has been an amazing journey of overcoming past ‘hurdles’ (I didn’t mention them all)…and truly practicing ‘intuition’…I am now…leaving my ‘true’ purpose…of healing…

~LETTING GO OF TOXIC TIES~

 

How often do we make a decision and feel good about it;…yet soon after doubting voices raise up in the background saying something like “We need to accept people for who they are…” raising thus, doubts within ourselves…

But how can we accept someone for who they are within our space, when whatever we witness is a breach of personal integrity? Is being quiet and ignoring a behavior that does not feel good to us, the right thing to do?

Well, not long ago, I made some hard decisions to let go of some “friends”…I felt good about it for a while…but soon after, doubtful thoughts came in full force…In these moments, I seek God for gaining clarity and confirmation…

Within a couple of days, while watching an episode of The Closer show, I had a Eureka moment!

The plot was about the murder of a man described by his close family and friends as a disappointment, a liar, addicted to gambling, ruining anything he touches, etc…Nobody regretted his death…

It turned out that he was killed by his “best friend”…The one who always “stood” by him, bail him out from any disaster…etc…So, what happened?…Remember, he was a gambler…and one of his gambling rituals had been to play his family members b-days twice a week…with borrowed money…for over ten years…

And you guessed right, once again the “good friend” loans him the money to make yet another bet…and he wins hundreds of millions…

When this “good, reliable friend” was asked why he killed his so called “best friend”…he answered…”I was not going to let him be a millionaire with my own money…he didn’t deserve it…he used people all his life…he is a waste to society…”

In this story, the reliable friend absorbed all the negative energy/kharma from his unlikable friend…turning all resentment accumulated over the years into rage…

Wow…this was my confirmation…

How often do we entertain “friendships” …we hold onto them…beating ourselves up if we resist…and yet, when we think of this “person” and when in contact with this “person”…we feel like all the energy is sucked out of us…feeling bad about ourselves (for apparently judging them, not being supportive) and of course, by what we are enabling through our mere “silence” to what we are witnessing…

I admit in the name of “niceness” and desire to be “accepted” I entertained often such friendships…these friendships build resentment within ourselves…and slowly, slowly we live out of lack of integrity…”e.g, We think/feel one thing…but we Do another…”

And here is the key…how we let go of these friendships makes all the difference…and the earlier we are able to recognize it, the better the results…

By blessing their path!…Yes, that’s right…

What we bless in another, we bless for ourselves…

So, letting go of someone we have absolute no control over…(neither we want to)and blessing their path, we allow healing to take place for ourselves and better chance to inspire change in them…Inspiring change only comes from leaving congruently in personal integrity.