Here we were once again in the
recovery room after surgery…James was awake…and although he was on heavy pain
meds…his pain was still at a 7…Seeing him in this moment, it felt like déjà vu once
again…my heart cringed for a moment…a twelve years old memory rushed in…the
surgery that triggered all our nightmares…one mistake…one doctor…one hospital…my
son…
Although there were two other surgeries prior to “the” one…and
several more after…after that surgery, there was an intrinsic unsettling awful
feeling…like nausea…his skin looked pale…pain was continuously present…and overall,
there was not a ‘peaceful’ feeling in my heart…
Here again, those same
feelings were triggered…
Aware of the power of our thoughts
and of unhealed memories which can ‘recreate’ the past in the present, this
time, instead of ‘fighting’ and ‘avoiding’ the feelings from this memory (which
please believe me I never shared it with anyone including my counselor…)…this
time I said…”yes, thank you, I’ve been waiting for you…it’s time we heal this
memory once and for all” In that moment
of realization, while holding his hand, I bend over him slightly...while feeling
the anger and pain…immersing myself in it…allowing tears to fall…and asking for
another miracle…a shift in perception…
We’ve been in critical
situations before…but this time things were different…My son is now twelve…The
last surgery he had was when he was four…What was different?
It took the docs two days to figure
out what the problem was…and during this time the pain could not be managed
without morphine every hour…and even then, the pain would remain at a minimum 5…Seeing
my child vomiting his own stool…with uncontrollable pain…I felt powerless…I
felt somehow ‘unprepared’…Even after surgery, it took another two/three days to
have a handle on the pain…and once in a while vomiting…and nonetheless, James’s
anger took my off guard…In one moment, he would say “mom…I love you…” and a few
minutes later…be soo angry and frustrated with all the suggestions from the
nurse and myself…
It might sound cynical to some…but
I found the situation kinda comical at times…so, I would find myself smiling
and laughing while imagining sitting in the couch with my son sharing our ‘funny’
stories while ‘mimicking’ each other…
Those moments in between ‘pain’ after
his surgery, I shared with my son feeling powerless to help him…that when he
was younger somehow I could make him feel ‘better’ quicker…I felt like a ‘supermom’…James’s
answer startled me…”I know mom…I now have a ‘personality’…” I smiled and said…”yes,
sweetie…that’s right…it’s your ego evolving…”
And that was the
moment when all ‘click’ to me…
We often *wonder* about the
resilience of our children…Their recovery is quick…and spirits are awakened
faster…They don’t conscientize pain and fear…The less ‘thoughts’ and questions
about ‘how and why’, the quicker the recovery…
When our children are young (less
than five, I say), they fully trust us with their pain and fear…The better we manage
our energy and thoughts the faster the healing for our child…
I find it very important not to surround
myself with any doubtful, negative people during
these times…(I intend to expand on this in a book …personal stories…), which
is why I always dealt with my son’s situations on my own…rarely visitations…usually,
only James’ friends…
Now, I realized the
reason for my ‘powerless’ feeling…This time, I could do *NOTHING*
for my child…WITHOUT HIS *WILLING PERMISSION*…
So, coming to this realization…in
between pain moments…I said “James, fold your hand in a fist…how does it feel?”
He said “It feels tight…”…I said…”okay, do you notice any pressure?” He answered “Yes…kinda”;
I said “okay, now release your fist…how does it feel?” “Better…”…”Good, now imagine me trying to open
your fist…do you feel your own resistance? Is the pressure greater?” “Yes, I see
that...”
I said “okay, well that is how it is
with what you are going through…I feel your resistance…and in these
moments, I feel powerless to help you…I want you next time the pain increases…just
NOTICE your resistance to let go of the pain…Notice your clinching…any part of your body
(teeth, abdomen, throat, calves)….and slowly slowly…allow yourself to ‘flow’ –
like with the current of a river…’flow’ with the pain…and yes, that means you may
feel like crying, screaming...but, that’s what you need to release it…”
I felt compelled to have this
conversation with him because I noticed he was taking ‘pride’ about ‘fighting’
pain without tears…yet, the moaning…cringing of his body…the anger…all these
told me he was ‘resisting’ his own body…which did not allow the release of pain
and thus faster ‘healing’…
From this moment, I
felt again connected with my child…we were working together…
Before being released from the
hospital, one of the doctors said while shaking my hand…”It is so good to see
how well you two work together…” after challenging a team of doctors in adding
a pick line in his artery to give him ‘nutrition’ when my instinct was telling
me his body was in ‘stress’ caused by constant ‘bugging’ and interruption and tremendous
amounts of antibiotics, pain medications, etc…he has been administered for over
a week…and then, asking to stop any IV ‘sh*t’ of *fabricated* enzymes …Once
they stopped it all…my son began to eat…walk…pain less and less…
By the way, I believe that all
these meds can have a good purpose…but often knowing when to ‘stop’ them is the
‘key’…From dealing with so many doctors and hospitals over the years, my
observation is, most doctors/staff use a ‘clinical’ approach to solve problems…which
more often than not prolongs a person sickening condition…That is why is
important we, parents, know when to speak up our inner intuition…and of course,
know when is intuition and when is ‘self-projection…’
Although this past two
weeks might have seemed like a setback for us…to me…to both of us, it has been
an amazing journey of overcoming past ‘hurdles’ (I didn’t mention them all)…and
truly practicing ‘intuition’…I am now…leaving my ‘true’ purpose…of healing…
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