~LETTING GO OF TOXIC TIES~

 

How often do we make a decision and feel good about it;…yet soon after doubting voices raise up in the background saying something like “We need to accept people for who they are…” raising thus, doubts within ourselves…

But how can we accept someone for who they are within our space, when whatever we witness is a breach of personal integrity? Is being quiet and ignoring a behavior that does not feel good to us, the right thing to do?

Well, not long ago, I made some hard decisions to let go of some “friends”…I felt good about it for a while…but soon after, doubtful thoughts came in full force…In these moments, I seek God for gaining clarity and confirmation…

Within a couple of days, while watching an episode of The Closer show, I had a Eureka moment!

The plot was about the murder of a man described by his close family and friends as a disappointment, a liar, addicted to gambling, ruining anything he touches, etc…Nobody regretted his death…

It turned out that he was killed by his “best friend”…The one who always “stood” by him, bail him out from any disaster…etc…So, what happened?…Remember, he was a gambler…and one of his gambling rituals had been to play his family members b-days twice a week…with borrowed money…for over ten years…

And you guessed right, once again the “good friend” loans him the money to make yet another bet…and he wins hundreds of millions…

When this “good, reliable friend” was asked why he killed his so called “best friend”…he answered…”I was not going to let him be a millionaire with my own money…he didn’t deserve it…he used people all his life…he is a waste to society…”

In this story, the reliable friend absorbed all the negative energy/kharma from his unlikable friend…turning all resentment accumulated over the years into rage…

Wow…this was my confirmation…

How often do we entertain “friendships” …we hold onto them…beating ourselves up if we resist…and yet, when we think of this “person” and when in contact with this “person”…we feel like all the energy is sucked out of us…feeling bad about ourselves (for apparently judging them, not being supportive) and of course, by what we are enabling through our mere “silence” to what we are witnessing…

I admit in the name of “niceness” and desire to be “accepted” I entertained often such friendships…these friendships build resentment within ourselves…and slowly, slowly we live out of lack of integrity…”e.g, We think/feel one thing…but we Do another…”

And here is the key…how we let go of these friendships makes all the difference…and the earlier we are able to recognize it, the better the results…

By blessing their path!…Yes, that’s right…

What we bless in another, we bless for ourselves…

So, letting go of someone we have absolute no control over…(neither we want to)and blessing their path, we allow healing to take place for ourselves and better chance to inspire change in them…Inspiring change only comes from leaving congruently in personal integrity.

The Myth about "Easy", "Simple"...and "Men"

My dear Darlings,

There is a belief out there…cruising its way around…I call it a myth…such as that “men “ are “easy”…men are “simple”…:)

Over the years I raised/cared for three dogs and two cats…(my exes are excluded, sorry I had to say this…lol)…

I recall my interaction with my dogs…dogs are supposed to be easy to please…right? My ex husband would say “they are dogs…they don’t need clean up and clean blankets, good food, etc…)

Well, let me tell you…that all my “male” pets (four out of five) end up being the most pretentious…;) How come? 

I admit feeling good in a neat and clean environment…and, when I came into the picture, [true dat] the two pets my ex already had appeared not to care for cleanliness…etc…they acted like dogs…:) 

Well, once I came into the picture, and I would wash one of their beds [for example] guess what…the male pet always pushed out the female…so he could be in the cleaner bed…:) the same with the bowls of food…!  And who would always avoid the water puddles? Of course, the male dog …he displayed the most adorable tip toe walks ever! :) And did I mention this pet was a half coyote and half lab dog used to hunting and leaving it “rough”…a pure alpha, beating up and winning always all fights? 

Yes, I do hear you…what’s the point…this is “simple” and “easy”…:)  and I say…nope…it is not…

They “were” simple and easy…for as long as they were treated and thought of as simple and easy… In the moment I began treating them as “humans”…their own expectations of themselves raised up…and desired better…

And here is my point: when it comes to the myth that men are “simple” and “easy”…It is all a big lie and an awful excuse…and not to forget about the limiting possibilities we place upon ourselves and men…because, as long as we believe that’s all men can be and do for themselves…we are indeed “settling”…and in that case darlings, let us not complain…:)

But I do know…I don’t want “easy” and “simple’…cause I would sure be bored like heck with a man like that…So, let’s not settle…and raise the bar a notch :)

~Breaking Through Hoops~

Today, a sweet memory returned while  reading someone's comment about fear and my response to it, where I said “When I feel fear, I try to focus on what I want…and believe with my entire being in the outcome, how I want it to unfold” …

A couple of years ago, my son attended after school Basketball practice …I thought it would be a good thing for him to learn (mind you he never played before), and burn some energy prior to coming home…He resisted at first…

Sports don’t appear to be his favorite activity…I suspect this is part due to his fear and perceived limitation as a result of the physical needs he’s been dealing with since surviving cancer;…and yet, I believe otherwise…such as that he can do anything (yes, I don’t agree with doctors and anyone who has limiting beliefs about my son or anyone considered different for that matter)…

My son reluctantly agreed…and for the first month, every time I would pick him up after practice, he would feel pretty down…I would let him vent his frustration about missing the shots. At times, there were even tears and anger, desire to quit…and yes, not being as tall as his peers added to his frustration…Two months passed, and my son had no success in making the hoops. 

And then, there was the final competition with another school…he was soo fearful…of looking ridiculous, not being able to help his team win…and so on…I admit at times, I would feel tired and frustrated hearing the endless whining…but, I would find myself smiling a lot at the silliness and not for a minute stopping to believe in him…

The day of the competition came…I met his team and gym instructor just before the “games”…His face lit up seeing me …I gave him a hug and told him “Don’t worry…you will do great! First and foremost, have fun! I believe in you!”  

And here comes the most anticipated moment: my son’s turn to shoot the hoop for his team…and guess what…He nails it!  And then another, another…and another…Not one missed! No exaggeration! Everyone from his school was shocked and surprised…and of course, my son too…except me! His face was glowing looking to find me in the crowd…and I was already standing up with pride…this is my son!!!! :)

It is hard to express the intensity of my pride and joy I experienced in that moment… I admit feeling tearful as I write about it…I do remember though,  I believed in that moment with my entire being…I imagined how it would feel to witness my son’s breakthrough of a limiting belief!  I know that one successful experience would help him manifest another, and another, and another…in all areas of his life.

This story reminds me that while sometime we don’t believe in ourselves, we fear our greatness, we fear to be seen, having others believe in us and holding our hand through our resistance…is all it takes for a breakthrough!

Acting Cool...vs. ...Being Cool

I recently had a conversation with a girlfriend about certain insecurities we, women, experience during intimacy with men…

Disclosure: some parts are intentionally exaggerated for dramatization purposes…if you want to know what parts, please register below and leave a comment :)

Darlings, have you ever been in an intimate moment with a man, let’s say, laying n*ked next to him after just having a passionate love making moment?  You feel relaxed, content…while cuddling and watching some TV show, movie, video…and all of the sudden, the man says “Man, She’s Hot…”with an intense look on his face… referring to one of the Stars female on the screen…

The “Acting Cool” me…would suck it up…maybe say nothing or become his buddy and agree with him “Oh, ya…she’s hot…lol [hint: “LOL” is often used as a good cover up for stuffed feelings :) ]”

The “Being Cool” me…checks how she deeply feels hearing this man talk about another woman…(we want authenticity, remember?) before grabbing her shoe and giving him a good smack…lol…Okay, okay…really, just kidding here…but you get my point…

A while back, I had that happen.  I told him ”Wow…this feels kinda bad…here I am naked next to you, feeling a bit vulnerable and it doesn’t feel good hearing another woman is hot.”   He responded “What’s with women tripping and all jealous when a man is honest?  I don’t like it when women are so insecure (meaning I was insecure)…”  [Hint: don’t talk on a 3^rd person, when I am next to you, especially n*ked…there will be no seconds ;)]

Well, while I totally understood his need to be appreciated for his honesty…my needs to be acknowledged and appreciated as the woman – n*ked next to him, giving him pleasure…were not reciprocated either …:)  so, nobody was happy in that moment…lol

What I was thinking at the time was “Wow…here I am n*ked next to this id*ot which means I also am an id*ot…and it sounds as if he is settling with me…that if he could afford this “Star” woman he would of course, choose her…but he can’t because he is a moron…and of course, now I am a moron too by association…and here I am sooo pissed off and turned off…”  

From my view, one is to say to a woman …”Man, X is hot”…and another is to say…”I like her eyes, or hair, legs (or hairy legs lol), or the dress looks good on her…” because I, the naked woman next to him, can immediately tell myself “Okay, I can fix this, I can buy this, I can grow this…”  not that I would, lol;   

I know when I sense a bit of jealousy towards another woman…I also see an opportunity for improvement and growth…whether at a physical level or even better at an emotional level by giving self-love and acceptance to the parts of me that feel vulnerable and unloved…

Otherwise,  had it not been for this lovely, honest man next to me being sooo specific about what “hot” means to him…I could have missed this awesome growing opportunity...;)

To accept this man for his “as*hole” moments…I have to honor my feelings and express them…otherwise, resentment will build up…In these moments, people make choices…some choose to grow together from the experience…others move on…Speaking our truth means honoring ourselves…and only from this place we can honor another…

So Darlings, Don’t Act Cool…Be Cool…and now, you know what I mean :)

~And There Was That Day!~

And there was "that" day! In a weird way, I thought highly of myself…yet, what came before me as facts crushed my mere thought of identify…my arrogance…my ego…Instead of staying there, crushed and humbled, feeling all the uncomfortable feelings, I rebelled against it…and more lessons…humbling lessons came about…I guess I didn’t hit the rock bottom good enough…

The judgmental bit(ch of each and every woman appearing before me more loose and cooler than I, with all the lonely nights spent just to remain “virtuous,”…was finally reaching her point of self-discovery…In my nakedness – physical, emotional and spiritual I found myself: an angry, fearful, vulnerable, and lonely woman who lived an unauthentic life of what was “expected” instead of who she was at her core…

They say once you reach bottom, there is only one way…Up! 

And indeed, since…every moment became a new stepping stone of continuous awareness and embodiment of whom I am meant to be…Unapologetic yet, loving to a fault; courageous yet, outrageous to some…I have Become Me! And guess what, I finally Love Me…and since…I can now Love You…because- at some level- (conscious or unconscious) You are a Mirror of Me…

Emotional Un*Available

Have you ever been involved with someone emotional unavailable? Ending up feeling frustrated and drained…like a vampire sucking the life out of you…?!  I raise my hand…

Experts suggest that we -more often than not - get involved with an emotional unavailable person if/when at some level we are unavailable as well…

It took me sometime to understand how in the world would I “punish” myself by allowing these experiences to manifest in my life.  

Emotional unavailability comes in different forms and it’s often very subtle (e.g., making vows to yourself – such as “I would never remarry if I have a child and have to divorce” which I recall making when I was a teenager and feeling awfully hurt by the outburst of anger in my family …etc); however, I will leave it at that since there is plenty of material to analyze the spectrum and variety of this “concept”…Overall, I believe we are all unavailable at some point…temporarily to say the least…

Instead, I rather share a couple of personal stories…

Recently, a friend of mine told me about being interested in someone who is the process of a divorce…She expressed self-doubts, fear, anxiety,…and yet, each doubt –of whether or not she should proceed - was followed by analysis of what he might be thinking/doing (he is a nice guy, he deserves a chance, share common interests, etc)…literally talking herself out of her feelings…ending up justifying that it’s okay to be open to this man because she is just as “not ready” for anything serious as he is…the picture in my head turned to “two emotionally invalids joined at the hip”…and the rest…well, is yet to be seen…

I learned to refrain from giving advice…what one should or shouldn’t do…however, I believe in helping someone in a gentle, caring way focus their attention upon how they feel instead; empowering them to make their own decision, take pride in their personal work;… Why? Because analyzing/evaluating a situation without deeply connecting to your center via heart and feelings would get us in trouble in the long run…

Our thoughts are a mere translation of our feelings…but imagine if our true feelings are not identified, brought to surface, honored and healed…our view of the world - via those unfiltered thoughts - would likely be a much distorted image...and thus, the unauthentic part of us is expressed to the world…

As another personal story:  there is the emotional available person meeting someone who “thinks” is emotionally available…but at the first sight of real intimacy…he/she is sabotaging any chance of its survival…and I’ve been on both sides of the coin…

Emotional available people bust us…they call out all the “bull sh*it”, the “fake smiles and pretenses” we try to put out…and it sure feels awfully uncomfortable…I remember dating in the past emotionally available men…and I just could not handle the “stability” and “realness” of the experience…it felt way “too safe”…and “too good to be true”…they seemed too trusting…too reliable...too available...too loving…too nice…[sigh]

 

And I remember with sadness how much thought I put into finding faults with these men, experiences…and thus, distorting the beautiful reality in front of me…

Overall, Healing begins with Awareness…and certainly lots of courage to face and bring to light what has been for so long hidden…

Grief and Gratitude

I know, I know is Thanksgiving Day...and I should feel grateful...yet, this morning, I am not feeling it...:( 

My mind’s been trying to come up with a list of things I should feel grateful for; and yet, I feel resistant…and that feels like a lump in my throat…it feels like sweating…it feels like nausea…it feels like crying…it feels like a big sigh…:(

I noticed every time I try to get to gratitude and force myself to “feel” it, there is resistance; and the reason being is: I need to make peace with grief, or goodbyes first…

• Goodbyes to past friendships, lovers
• Goodbyes to past hurts
• Goodbyes to old thoughts
• Goodbyes to the old Me…

I know grief is there to heal me!

Hmm…now, I feel movement of sensations through me…right there beginning in my tummy…wow…I feel smiley…and that feels like a big release…a beautiful vibration in my entire body…

What could I say with deep gratitude now?! Maybe that:

• I feel alive
• I feel wealthy in mind, spirit, and health
• I feel giving
• I feel loving with all my heart over and over again
• I feel blessed for the beautiful gift of being a mother
• I feel indeed grateful for the warmth and peace surrounding me…just to name a few…

And now, I can mean when I say….Have a Happy Thanksgiving Day!