~It's None of Your Business~

Have you ever experienced the uncomfortable, awkward feelings such as feeling “exposed” and vulnerable after sharing private information to someone?  And experiencing even more awful feelings when all of the sudden the dynamic of the relationship changes?  When all of the sudden he/she no longer calls, says sweet things to you, no longer is available, makes excuses, etc?  Sigh…:( You can’t help but think it has to do with the piece of information you shared…

I recall, in the past, asking a lot of questions when I would first meet someone I was interested in romantically...I know, I know the common norm in our society is to do so… and ironically, all the due diligence and “caution” I practiced did not (not even for one minute) sparred me from tremendous heartache…

With sadness in my heart, I now admit, I thought I was protecting myself by asking all these questions.  Yet, secretly I was building up ammunition against this person…and at the first strike, I would bombard them with what I’ve build up against them: judgments, anger, bitterness…

Asking questions is an offensive tactic… Marianne Williamson once said.” in our defensiveness our safety lies”…It took my quite some time to understand this …The INTENT behind the question is the key…If the intent is to “protect” self…then it means we are in “offensive”, “preventive measures”…it could also mean I  somehow believe words (what someone says) are more powerful than actions…that in my arrogance I could prevent anything bad from happening to me…

Once in a while, I admit, I find myself saying: I wish I knew Then what I know Now…

Each time I was building a “case” on someone by asking them numerous “tricky” questions about themselves and their history without an intent of pure curiosity but rather fear, suspicion, judgment…my entire being and energy was on them…All of the sudden, I became invested in this person without them doing anything to prove themselves…My own discovery schemes got me all wrapped up in my detective work and this person…that even when I would discover something sure worth knowing, my mind would discredit the information…”Oh, give the person the reasonable doubt, maybe they didn’t mean it, we all make mistakes, and so on…” 

In doing all this “detective” work nicely polished with “good intentions” , my ego was in charge…when the ego is in charge of our lives, there is no surrender…there is no present..there are no moments…As a result, we ignore God’s given gift of inner knowing…identifying danger through inner feelings…

When stillness is present, the mind is quiet, we can hear and feel the unsettling feeling of what is not good for us…Honoring these body sensations and feelings will speak our Truth…there is no blame nor judgment, there is no need to ask anything…just be present through active listening, and feel your heart and body sensations…when things don’t feel good for us, we walk away with peace and gratitude …again we feel empowered by the experience instead of feeling drained…

Until the person in front me can hold his/her own space of Truth …he/she can’t handle my Truth..and thus, I honor Self by saying “It’s None of your Business…”

~The Door Sure Worth Waiting For~

Commitment in a Relationship – People are ready when they are ready…not a minute late…not a minute short…

 

Practicing being open and vulnerable while dating often hurts like heck…We close our hearts to “stop” the pain…but with that we do not allow healing to take place…but rather, we store our “demons” in the attic of our subconscious…get involved in new relationships…and once again recreate the same scenario of disappointments…

The past year, I’ve been constantly practicing keeping my heart open. Boy it hasn’t been easy…People we meet - could have a message for us…or we could be messengers to them… I have experienced both…on one hand, the experience with a man, reassures me how ready I am …how emotionally available and present I’ve become…how I amazingly have faced and overcome so many of my self-demons (or shadows…)…how loving and forgiving I am, and so on…it’s like a Wow moment of awareness;… …and on the other hand, I could be the message (if chosen to be seen as one)…that yes, complete loving, caring, feminine, strong women, do exist…

And yet (sigh), I also learned it is not sufficient for a woman to have healed her heart, to have acquired the growth and awareness within…because there is also a need for total willingness and commitment on your partner to walk the path along with you…We can inspire someone …but we can’t make someone…do anything…(okay, maybe some spanking would do it…lol…just kidding…had to add a bit of my sense of humor lol).

I often notice doubts and fears in the person next to me coming in the form of blaming; suspicion; playing the “game” card, passive aggression behavior…but what I choose to see is a cry for help…a cry that says “don’t leave me even though I know I act like an idiot, and by the way please don’t remind me of it”[sigh]

I feel like cringing at these experiences; I often feel pain and disappointments, and yet I allow my heart to express compassion…why? Because I’ve been this person…I’ve faced my demons…and walked the surrendering path…Getting to the place of self-compassion allowed me to connect and feel compassion towards them…and finally, understand and believe in the meaning of “innocence” in our brothers and sisters…

That being said, these men chose not to stick around. While in the past, I would take it personally, feeling angry, rejected and bitter…now, I know they are yet  not ready for an experience with me and likely, I am not the “One"… I feel deep sadness and a bit a sense of loss…but with each door closed, I believe…another door…the right door for me, opens…and that Door is sure Worth Waiting for…

~Trust~

I was recently asked whether I know what I want…Earlier this year, I created a list with qualities I desire in a man...and about the same time, I also worked on creating a list of qualities for the relationship I want along with  a list of qualities I want to possess for myself…

I recall feeling extremely challenged creating the list.  I stumbled…Everything that came to mind, at first, was what “I don’t want”…I really struggled getting to what “I do want…”  I felt awfully uncomfortable with the question…I felt fear, judgments…and behind them…a sense of feeling unworthy and guilty asking for what “I do want”…My inner voices were screaming “How dare u? Who do you think you are?”  “People like You don’t deserve it…” “What are you giving to deserve getting?”   Arghhhhh….Sigh…

But I pushed through these negative voices (aka NVs) and I challenged myself a bit further;…and to each quality listed about my partner, I asked myself: do I possess this quality?  And boy, there were a few I stumbled upon…one was “trust”…because it goes something like this: You want trust…You must be trusting…; You want love…you must be loving…; and so on…

But how do we get to be trusting, when everywhere and everything reminds us of betrayals and a hurtful past? These triggers only fuel the pain inside…and yet, I always knew there is hope…

Trust comes from within…Learning to trust Self begins when feelings are honored by first being recognized for what they are; for being brought to surface; there are no pretenses (oh, I don’t care, I am okay…blah, blah, blah; it’s not my problem; what a jerk, etc…); feelings must be self-owned (“I am responsible for my feelings” gives a sense of self-empowerment); only from this place of authenticity, healthy boundaries can be expressed and enforced…

We know healthy boundaries are present when we feel gentle and caring during and after we express them…There is no blame, no guilt, no fear…There is Peace Within…

When we focus on what we don’t want…the Universe hears only our limitations…what we are saying is ”I don’t want my past”…as a result, we deprive ourselves from living in the present…nor believe in a future…because we are too focused on not “recreating” the past…

To Pose...or Not to Pose...that is the Question

I was recently asked if I would pose in lingerie…pics, possibly fashion shows…I feel blushy just imagining it, while I admit, feeling awfully flattered for being asked…I lingered over my hesitation by first facing my own self judgments…On one hand, yes, I am not feeling that confident about  my physical body at this moment and then, even imaging being as “perfect” as I would like to be, I would still say “no”…and why? …Hmm…I pondered over the answer. I can talk and listen to you very openly about many “intimate” sexual matters…yet, I ultimately view intimacy at a sexual and emotional level as a private encounter…known only to me and my partner…

I often find myself smiling and admiring women exhibiting confidence in their display of physical beauty and with sexual connotations…And, I often wondered why am I not like them? Apparently, I have it in me since I appreciate it in them…

Just because someone exudes confidence on the outside it does not mean they exude confidence within…In these present times, the higher the desire for public attention through sexual exhibition the lower confidence of inner self  …Knowing this, gave me comfort because I feel very confident and poised in an intimate encounter…yet, I feel awfully insecure outside of the "bedroom"…Sigh :(

Behind the feeling of insecurity is often fear (and not fear of self or other's judgment…but rather an icky, uncomfortable feeling)… Just writing this, this icky and uncomfortable feeling translates into rapid heartbeat…pressure in my chest…slow breathing...I take deep breaths expanding and contracting into my tummy…opening my pelvis…allowing complete connection to Self to feel safe once again.

And here in this moment, I connect with my own truth...at this present time...:)

Knowing Self- frees me of unnecessary wonder…it is not Me, it’s not my calling…Sexuality in any form of expression is a private and sacred experience to me…The world that I believe in and I want to be a part of creating…is a world where man and woman would be filled with sooo much self-love …that there will be noooo need to desire outside stimulation and/or fantasy to have the most amazing, infinite love possible (sexual and emotional) between two human beings…and this, I Believe is Possible…

And yet, today...I reserve my right to change my beautiful creative mind...and allow a less self-limiting possibility...and who knows...it is possible to have it all...a public display of a confident sexual Diva - expressing sexual desires...and the ultimate mind-blowing infinite love possible with one Man... Not sure about you, but I feel greedy this moment...and I want it All! Cheers to the infinite possibilities!