And there
was "that" day! In a weird way, I thought highly of myself…yet, what came
before me as facts crushed my mere thought of identify…my arrogance…my
ego…Instead of staying there, crushed and humbled, feeling
all the uncomfortable feelings, I rebelled against it…and more
lessons…humbling lessons came about…I guess I didn’t hit the rock bottom
good enough…
The
judgmental bit(ch of each and every woman appearing before me more loose
and cooler than I, with all the lonely nights spent just to remain
“virtuous,”…was finally reaching her point of self-discovery…In my
nakedness – physical, emotional and spiritual I found myself: an angry,
fearful, vulnerable, and lonely woman who lived an unauthentic life of
what was “expected” instead of who she was at her core…
They say
once you reach bottom, there is only one way…Up!
And indeed,
since…every moment became a new stepping stone of continuous awareness
and embodiment of whom I am meant to be…Unapologetic yet, loving to
a fault; courageous yet, outrageous to some…I have Become Me! And guess
what, I finally Love Me…and since…I can now Love You…because- at some
level- (conscious or unconscious) You are a Mirror of Me…
Have you ever been involved with
someone emotional unavailable? Ending up feeling frustrated and
drained…like a vampire sucking the life out of you…?! I raise my hand…
Experts suggest that we -more often
than not - get involved with an emotional unavailable person if/when at some
level we are unavailable as well…
It took me sometime to understand how in the world would I “punish” myself by allowing these experiences to manifest in my life.
Emotional unavailability comes in
different forms and it’s often very subtle (e.g., making vows to
yourself – such as “I would never remarry if I have a child and have to
divorce” which I recall making when I was a teenager and feeling
awfully hurt by the outburst of anger in my family …etc); however, I
will leave it at that since there is plenty of material to analyze the
spectrum and variety of this “concept”…Overall, I believe we are all
unavailable at some point…temporarily to say the
least…
Instead, I rather share a couple of personal stories…
Recently, a friend of mine told me
about being interested in someone who is the process of a divorce…She
expressed self-doubts, fear, anxiety,…and yet, each doubt –of whether or
not she should proceed - was followed by analysis of what
he might be thinking/doing (he is a nice guy, he deserves a chance,
share common interests, etc)…literally talking herself out of her
feelings…ending up justifying that it’s okay to be open to this man
because she is just as “not ready” for anything serious
as he is…the picture in my head turned to “two emotionally invalids
joined at the hip”…and the rest…well, is yet to be seen…
I learned to refrain from giving
advice…what one should or shouldn’t do…however, I believe in helping
someone in a gentle, caring way focus their attention upon how they feel
instead; empowering them to make their own decision, take pride
in their personal work;… Why? Because analyzing/evaluating a situation
without deeply connecting to your center via heart and feelings would
get us in trouble in the long run…
Our thoughts are a mere translation of
our feelings…but imagine if our true feelings are not identified,
brought to surface, honored and healed…our view of the world - via those
unfiltered thoughts - would likely be a much distorted image...and
thus, the unauthentic part of us is expressed to the world…
As another personal story: there is
the emotional available person meeting someone who “thinks” is
emotionally available…but at the first sight of real intimacy…he/she is
sabotaging any chance of its survival…and I’ve been on both sides
of the coin…
Emotional available people bust us…they
call out all the “bull sh*it”, the “fake smiles and pretenses” we try
to put out…and it sure feels awfully uncomfortable…I remember dating in
the past emotionally available men…and I just could not
handle the “stability” and “realness” of the experience…it felt way
“too safe”…and “too good to be true”…they seemed too trusting…too reliable...too available...too
loving…too nice…[sigh]
And I remember with sadness how much
thought I put into finding faults with these men, experiences…and thus,
distorting the beautiful reality in front of me…
Overall, Healing begins with Awareness…and certainly lots of courage to face and bring to light what
has been for so long hidden…
