The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown

The Shift

As we progress through life, we experience different shifts within us…

I call them transitions…

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Twenties

Oh, twenties…feeling nostalgic 

The song “Living like a Hurricane” by Erika comes to mind…

I often see myself in what my younger friends do, say, or think…

Challenge the norms and rules…

Expand boundaries…

Experience the independence…

Be the devil’s advocate, know it all attitudes…

Curious, daring, and invincible…

Finding a “but”…in everything and sure an opinion…

Debating everything…Gosh…it sure feels exhausting :)

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Thirties…

Hmm…I felt the shift…

The song “I Stand” by  Idina Menzel comes to mind...

I felt awareness…

My experiences became purposeful…

I felt intention on my part…Nothing was wasted…

Each experience had a message and a messenger…

I began to focus on things that matter to me…

Listening more…expanding…and sure stretching my comfort zone…

Yet, there was still a void…within…

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Forties…

“Somewhere” by Barbra Streisand comes to mind…

Gosh, I am almost there…

I find myself smiling more…

Feeling peaceful

Caring less…yet feeling so much more…

I am paced

Yet dynamic in my thinking

I am progressive

Things matter…I matter…The world matter

I feel joy…

I want to share it with the world…

I notice…myself…as I relate to the world around me…

What makes me happy, sad, angry, hurt…

What feels good and what does not

I feel my breathing…my heart…

Connecting with my own self…

Discovering and understanding my triggers…

Healing them…

Accepting them as part of me and

Finally embracing the good and the not so pleasant …

About me and the world…

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Fifties 

Lyrics of “People” by Barbra Streisand

Hmm…I will likely be centered…

Yet, expending myself, my knowledge, and experiences to the world…

I feel curious about how the future would unfold

Yet, I am not in a hurry ;)

A Mother's Love

His fingers were resting in my hand…I would gently close it and wrap his little fingers into mine.  It was time...The fluids were about to begin dripping into his IV port, then slowly into his veins and his entire small body.  Closing my eyes, I allowed myself to feel, and feel…the poison dripping into my son…I felt sick, dizzy, and every time, I wanted to scream of pain and anger…and I did…inside…tears would flow like rivers…but letting go was not an option…and it will never be for me…

Today, this picture that I often want to put to rest came back…My best friend’s daughter has had a different, yet a similar life and death battle…she just relapsed to drugs again…and she is just 16.  I feel overwhelmed by emotions like anger, pain, and frustration…and wished I could just hold her tight and take away all the pain/anger she is feeling...

Wishing to help, I attempt to understand the situation again.  She has been in and out of rehab for two years…and endless, expensive outside therapy and counseling…none of which seems to work…The bottom line, mom and daughter personalities seem to clash every time…and mom can’t handle her daughter’s situation…

Having my own painful experiences with my child and often going with him emotionally to feel what he is/was experiencing (even now)…has created a wonderful bond between us…a spiritual realm of healing that it is hard to describe…

Trying to understand/feel my girlfriend’s situation with her daughter, I feel a disconnection between the two of them…I feel extremely sad...and I feel guilty for having judgmental thoughts about the situation…but yet, often times, I see how many parents stop/ refuse to grow/experience/understand the complicated world we created for our children...How often do we hear the youth feeling disconnected from us?  Is it really them disconnected from us or we are disconnected from them???? Who is the adult in this “relationship”?

Recognizing and appreciating their curiosity, innocent spirit, desire to be successful, requires adult ownership for what we say and do…Our children will model our behavior…and without positive mentoring and guidance, we lose them to immature influences (which often are their peers and immature adults).  Our children want/seek our opinions about everything…and we better own up to their expectation…and recognize, admit, when we are not ready to answer, or don’t have an opinion…

My son will soon reach twelve years old mark…I already begin to feel the peer pressure and the need to be accepted, liked…The next four to six years are extremely critical…I believe it is the period when we could lose them to their peers…This is the time, when no money, no social status, no “man/woman” should replace the time we spend with our children…Sleepovers for our kids have been become too common these days…and yet, the most dangerous environments.

If my son were to get into drugs it would likely mean, somehow, somewhere, he and I got disconnected…The mother in me would have to reach the lowest point with him…to get him back…even if that would mean I would be doing the drugs he is doing…and he sure knows that!!! Right now, I just pray that God has mercy on us…

GEORGE ZAMFIR - THE LONELY SHEPHERD.mpg

"Mary" is Me

Not sure about you, but almost on a daily basis I savor  the thought of indulging in my favorite cup of coffee at Starbucks…I get to work, and by 9am, my mind is conditioned to envision that awesome, hot, strong, complicated delicacy so tailored to my taste “my triple shot caramel latte”…  

As you know, lately, many Starbucks coffee shops ask for your name…to call you when your coffee is ready…Gosh, the most annoying thing ever!!!!…I often declined, just feeling weird to have my name yelled in a middle of a coffee shop where it feels like everyone is looking at you…  

Imagine if you mama or papa cursed you with a name like “Coco", “Dick”, “Princess”, "Babe" “Butch”, “Woody”, etc.…Imagine if the kid turns out to be anything but…”Coco”, “Dick”, “Princess”, “Butch”…etc…  

So, back to Starbucks…Recently, in the mood to “challenge” the “norm”…when asked to “share” my name…I answered proudly…”Marylin Monroe”!…Hmmm, she smiled, looked at me as saying …”Ya, that’s right…”, got my money, coded my inquiry on the cup…and along with a few more not to be named here customers, I waited anxiously to be “called” for my coffee…Oh, and here he shouts…”Mary – triple shot caramel latte”!!!!…I look around…everybody looks “around”…Alright, I get it...”Mary” is me!!!!  

NEXT PLEASE

  Gosh, I have so much to do…yet, I stop and write…Thoughts come and go…and I feel like I have to capture them somehow on a piece of paper…

People, dating, relationships…I look at myself and a few of my friends…going through the process of finding the “One” to complement us…(although, I know some think they do, but they don’t…they want someone to complete them…as in Need not in Want type of thing…but that’s a different blog.)

Been single for eight years (after an eight year not so pleasant marriage) and dated for the past five…I remember about my 1^st date about five years ago…The following day, the guy sent me an email (yep…no texting at the time, cause I ‘m sure he would have used it) saying something like he can’t date me no more cause I seem very naïve…and that I need to date more…Ouch!!! First date and He slammed me!!!   Yes, I was not accustomed to go on a 1^st base from the 1^st date…also, some of the discussions he would bring up I was sincerely blushing…Ya, ya, I know…some of you would say “You?”…Yep, me  …I am actually very shy…the assertiveness u see is actually a mask …Let’s say, I worked on it.

Ok, we agreed to stay “friends”…that’s when I realized I had an EGO…Yep, a big one……cause I asked to be “friends”…I didn’t want FULL rejection ya know…

Now, that I look back and having the experiences I do…when I meet someone recently divorced, broken up from a long term relationship, and finding out I am the 1^st date he’s had for a while…I say the same thing…Nope…Next please!!!  

I proceed to Experience

It's Sunday late afternoon…I try to run my last errand of the day…Shopping at Costco…Btw, I found out it's not a good idea to shop at Costco on a Sunday evening, but oh well, we learn don't we???

So, I look for parking… My mind is thinking…"There has to be an open parking spot …maybe one close to the main entrance"…which I was secretly hoping for ...

I proceed towards the main entrance and I see a car parked to my left with the backlights on appearing to leave…So, I wait and wait…lost in thought…as if I was supposed to wait…  

Hmm…then I remember…do I really have to wait??? How much longer should I wait??? What if they are not leaving??? So, with this thought in mind I proceed to drive forward…and sure enough…an awesome spot to my right (like the one I was only dreaming of), just next to the main entrance, had been empty all along…

At that moment, I couldn't help but smile at the Revelation…How often do we Hold on to things/people/thoughts doomed to negative outcomes…when by simply letting go of controlling these same things/people/thoughts we could experience something bigger, greater, and beautiful…

With that thought in mind, I proceed to experience ! Are you all with me????!!!