I grew up as the oldest of four daughters with
quite a big age difference between my siblings and myself – six and twelve years
respectively.
When my first sister was born I was six years
old. I recall everyone in our family, friends and acquaintances (men and women)
complimenting my beautiful little sister since birth and throughout her youth…Boys were
courting her like crazy when she was only twelve fighting for her attention with
flowers, gifts, letters, dates…
My experience was quite different. The core descriptions included from ‘different’,
‘weird’, ‘geeky’, 'freckled', to 'hardworking', 'always behaving good daughter, 'some talent in
music', and a great 'babysitter' :)
Fun – to me meant making sure everyone had fun
and was taken care of…and I developed this skill at a very young age :) Something like now, but at least now I am a participant :)
My beautiful sister married a wonderful good
looking, great husband and father – worshiping her for over 14 years…while
raising four amazing children.
I on the other hand prefer not to recall my 10
years marriage experience and two relationships I had since my divorce…
'What is my problem,' I often asked myself when
feeling unheard, ungot, unsuccessful in creating true happiness in any of my
relationships?
I intuitively knew what it was for a long
time…but I intellectualized it and thus never got to embody the truth (as in
feel it and release it)…till recently.
Not long ago, I had an interesting conversation
with mom…who after being a widow for eight years, two years ago surprised us
all meeting a wonderful man she feels happy with (a feeling I never saw in her
until the past years) and marrying him last year.
And so, in admiration of my mom and sister’s well
happy relationships …again the question of ‘what’s wrong with me’ popped up…
I shared with my mother my feelings of
appreciation and inspiration of the two of them…and told her I believe my
sister’s success in relationships was the result of her inner knowing of being
beautiful early on as a child and as a young girl...
Mom agreed …and so I asked her,
“Mom, do you think I am beautiful?”
“Well, yes…we are all beautiful in different
ways…” my mom went on ‘defining’ and ‘analyzing’ beauty…
I stopped her and asked her again,
“Mom, do you think I am beautiful?”
“Yes, you are beautiful *enough*” she said
cautiously and hesitantly :)
My heart dropped …tears began to flow
instantly…deep sadness…
I felt my sadness…I bravely sat with it…I felt
thankful she couldn’t see my tears…I didn’t want to be made ‘wrong’ for feeling
this way…
I stood there…and a thought ‘popped up’…
I listened to it…and it said
“We criticize in another…parts of self we
reject…and judge”
I smiled at my own realization…and asked her
“Mom, do you feel beautiful?”
“Well yes, I am beautiful enough…”
I smiled again…I was getting closer to the
truth…and asked again
“Do you see my beauty closer to yours or to my
sister’s?”
“Closer to mine…”
There it was…!
In that moment, my heart felt true compassion…for
all those years I longed to simply feel ‘beautiful’ without *buts*, *ifs*,
and *enoughs*…; I now knew why was I not ‘beautiful’…but only ‘beautiful
enough’…My own mother projected her self worth upon me…
This was the moment of true forgiveness …for the
innocence of my inner child who had this experience and believed it as true and
for my parents who projected their own insecurities upon me without true wisdom
and self-love (my father was not very much part of my life after age 5 …and
every reunion I had with him, my looks were severely criticized).
From my experience, it is my true belief the
success of woman in a romantic relationship is her *KNOWING* without a
doubt she is simply *Beautiful*…and that feeling needs nurturing and love from
the moment she is born.
On the other hand, a man needs to *know*
without a doubt he is simply *smart*, *intelligent*, *capable*…and
that process begins from the moment he is born.
Is this all it takes to heal that memory and
‘know’ at my core I am beautiful?
No…not by far…it is a process indeed…
Awareness of it is just the beginning…
But I do know with certainty…that for as long as
I continue to ‘accept’ as in ‘believe’ the ‘ifs’, ‘buts’ ‘enough’…I will
continue to settle for crumbs…Crumbs like men who would call you ‘sexy’ instead
of ‘beautiful’; ‘hang out’ instead of taking you out; short-term flings; etc…
How do I feel about it? Angry…Hell angry…Arghh…
Giving myself permission to feel angry, hell
angry…feels powerful…opening…expanding…
Aww…and that feels goooood…:)
